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I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I`m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
When a bird bangs into your window, do you wonder if God is playing angry birds
Whoever is in charge of making sure I don´t do dumb stuff is fired.
Girls are too sensitive. She said she was having twins and I said, "At least you`ll finally have 2 kids by the same father."
Laugh if you will but this night-light has an undefeated record at repelling Boogeymen.
You know you`re getting old when speed limits start to seem reasonable to you.
Nothing says I have faith in God like the bullet proof glass on the Pope`s car.
One of the best uses I`ve ever found for invisible ink is when I signed my marriage license with it.
If you`re not employed by the Secret Service, there is absolutely no reason to have a Bluetooth on your ear.
They should make Vodka ChapStick
You can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn`t come back, what you`ve lost is a normal pigeon.
In the morning there`s a huge difference between 6:00 and 6:05.
Given enough coffee, I believe I could rule the world.
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I want to use my finger and write WASH ME on her face…
I need a bank to do two things for me: give me a loan and leave me alone