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I can´t wait until Weight Watchers comes out with a beer.
All the guys in working out photos look like they`re straining or in pain, but there`s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy. Just saying.
The condoms need to be located in the baby aisle, next to the 30 dollar diapers and 20 dollar formula cans
If you ever find lotion on a guy`s night stand, it`s not because he wants to moisturize his skin.
If you are really bored, I recommend mass texting all of your exes "I`m ready to give it another shot" and then get ready for the ride of your life
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
Well after 6 months of my girlfriend nagging, I finally did it, I lost 120lbs ... I`m sure gonna miss her.
Accidentally walking through the camping aisle at Target every once in a while is about as outdoorsy as I get.
For Christmas I just want summer...
It’s funny how 1 text, 1 song, 1 mistake, 1 lie, 1 truth, and 1 person could change your mood in 1 second.
Trust me, I am a liar.
There`s no hiding it, my ex sucks at school... And in cars, alleys, and public restrooms...
You seem to have a good grip on reality. You`re new here, aren`t you?
Being alive is so expensive.
With the right music, you either forget everything or you remember everything.