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No one sees you when you`re kind, no one sees you when you do a nice thing, but all will see on you when you fart.
All the women moaning about finding a husband obviously never had one.
Sadly, I don`t think anyone has Wang Chunged once tonight... :(
I realized that at my income level "Wealth Management" really just means re-organizing the money in my wallet by denomination.
If you check Page 4, Paragraph 16, Subsection (d), right after the section on Video Game usage, but before the Book Report Procrastination provision and the No Face Piercings, Ever Amendment , you will that see that I am, in fact, and I quote: "the boss of you."
I`m not saying women are smarter than men, but it`s kinda ironic that there`s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
Whenever I move into a new neighborhood, the first thing I familiarize myself with is the liquor store coz you know priorities.
“Delete, Block, Ignore” Its too bad getting rid of people in life is not as easy as it is on Facebook..
When people I don’t know ask me what I do for a living I shout “Karma,” and punch them before running away.
I used to think using big words meant you were smart, I was somewhat right but that was before I heard politicians speak.
I don`t understand those couples that fight and a minute later change their facebook status to "single." I fight with my parents but you don`t see me change my status to "orphan."
Helpful Tip: You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
My level of sarcasm has reached a dangerous level where even I don`t know if I`m kidding or not.
I`m old enough to remember when apparently the worst thing life could hand you was lemons.
All I want for Christmas is for these calories to not count.