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They call themselves independent women until furniture needs to be moved
The best part about being at work on Friday is that it gives me 9 hours to figure out what I`m going to drink tonight.
If you think people are stupid, randomly post "Happy Birthday" wishes on peoples FB page and see how many others tell them happy birthday.
You`d think the nerds on The Big Bang could fix that stupid elevator.
Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year, and then discover once a year is way too often.
I think I will start calling my wife "My Customer" since she is always right...
When we give each other a thumbs up, it`s our way of mocking every other animal on earth.
Sometimes I think I`m a relatively smart person. Other times I put my shoes on before my pants and realize who I really am.
I will always be here for you. Unless we run out of beer and someone has some over there. Then I will be over there for you.
Even atheists make bargains with God when the toilet water threatens to overflow at a friend`s house.
When people have cars as their profile picture I automatically presume they are a transformer.
As it turns out, Iām not an afternoon person either.
Somewhere in the world right now, somebody is buying a house based on its potential for great bathroom selfies.
My Wife does this cute thing where she says that "actions speak louder than words" and then gets pissed at me for just nodding.
The best part of being a kid is probably saying, f*ck it. I`m going to be Spider-Man today.