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Nothing makes me turn off my car and start leisurely Facebooking than someone honking at me to pull out of a parking space.
To all the people who think they don`t need deodorant: What in the world would make you think that?
If I saw a ghost, I would not be scared. I`d be like "Sit your translucent a$$ down, I have a lot of questions!"
Since smart watches can now read your pulse, there should be a feature that erases your browser history if your heart stops beating...
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
To clear a pop-up ad online, I was just forced to agree that "I don`t care about being healthy and smelling clean."
It`s just a matter of time before they add the word "Syndrome" after my last name...
If every porkshop was perfect, we wouldn`t have hot dogs.
Guys write songs about girls they love. Girls write songs about guys they have broken up with
You`re either part of the solution, or you`re one of my coworkers.
I`m combining Easter and April Fools day this year - I`m sending the kids out to look for eggs I haven`t hidden.
Don`t hide your feelings. Hide the evidence.
Each day is a gift, but some days are socks and underwear
Anyone want to be fake engaged for two hours so we can eat cake samples?
I thought we were both kidding when we made plans for me to watch your kid.