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Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That`s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
If your wife asks you if you know where the broom is, it`s not a good idea to ask her if she is going somewhere.
Everyone has a purpose in life ... Perhaps mine is finding things to bitch about.
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
I`m getting sick of these porn sites listing my videos as "amateur".
It`s not an attitude problem, it`s the way I am.
WTF, I feel like I pay these bills every month.
Whenever I give money to the homeless, I get yelled at that "they are just gonna buy booze with it". All I can think is ... Oh like I wasn`t ..
Drunk me would really appreciate a light switch on the floor.
Not trying to be racist or ignorant but... seriously, all crocodiles and alligators look alike.
Learning to "stop drop and roll" in elementary school lead me to believe catching on fire would be a much more frequent problem in life.
I just lost my mood ring, I don`t know how I feel about that.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won`t let me use their microwave.
Shouldn`t old people drive faster than everyone else since they have less time left to waste?