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Maybe cologne should come with a two sprays a day lock on it.
Girls probably spend more time thinking about what men think than men actually spend thinking.
Not All Of The `Goodbyes` Are Sad (eg. * Goodbye School * Goodbye Work)
The person before me got $0.57 worth of gas. My day doesn’t seem so bad now.
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
decided to burn lots of calories today so I set a fat kid on fire!
If only I did everything with the same precision in which I craft my sandwiches.
Of all the lies I`ve told in my life, "Just kidding" is my favorite.
When your kids become teenagers, it`s important to have a dog so someone in the house is happy to see you.
The best thing about living in the southern U.S. is that "He needed killing" is a valid legal defense.
The little piggy who went to market... wasn`t going shopping. Wrap your mind around that for a moment.
Just watched (insert title of horror movie) and it wasn`t scary at all. The crap in my pants is a pure coincidence.
You can lead a horse to water but I`d rather ride it to the liquor store.
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says "welcome"...
Just another day of not being rich and famous.