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If you try and don´t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.
For daylight savings, we should move the clocks forward an hour on Monday at 9 AM so that we lose an hour of work instead of sleep.
I had a Dr. appointment this morning. He asked me how many beers I drink. I held out my hand and said this one is only my 4th, I`ll call you back later with the total.
I`m so broke, if somebody tried to rob me right now, they would just be practicing.
I use profanity, the way Picasso used a paint brush
"The truth shall set you free"....unless you are in court. Then you should probably shut the f*ck up.
I’m taking care of my procrastination issues; just you wait and see.
The key to a successful relationship: Tools > Internet Options > Clear history.
Oh, a spider just landed on my desk... In other news,,, When startled, I can jump 5 feet in the air with just the power of my ass cheeks.
Slowly, Waldo`s wife and Mr. Sandiego started putting the pieces together
"Are you even listening to me?" is a weird way for my girlfriend to start a conversation.
Why don`t they just get Jehovah`s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
when people fall in love they are called " love birds." when they fight they are called "angry birds."
Neil Armstrong was the first human being to step foot on the moon. Neil A. backwards spells "Alien"
Admit it: you have all tried to rap in the shower..