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Fun Fact: A pizza will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
in 2014 there were times when I annoyed you, disturbed you, irritated you and bugged the hell out of you. Today i wanna let you know that i planned to continue with it this year :-)
When I see people drinking at 11 am on a Friday I`m like, where do you work and are they hiring?
Being a vegetarian is hard at first but after a month or so you get used to telling everyone you`re a vegetarian.
Exercise makes you look better naked. Alcohol does the same, you pick..
Saw a hobo sleeping on a box and it was surrounded by bubble wrap. Must be his alarm system.
I was sitting on the toilet when the guy in the stall next to me started smoking. Disgusting. I nearly couldn`t finish my sandwich.
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny sh!t.
I`m at my most popular when I just want to be alone.
Over half the contacts in my phone are named “Do Not Answer”
A friend of mine asked if I was coming to her wedding. I said no, I`ll catch the next one. She`s mad at me now.
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
It’s not the holiday season unless you push your body to the brink of alcoholism and diabetes.
If you like to spoon, you`ll love to spatula. That`s where I flip you over to make certain you`re done properly on both sides.