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I wrote you this love poem: Here, just take my credit card.
have you ever been like "what`s the day today? ... no i mean the like the number".
I don`t have friends, I have acquaintances and parasites.
For once I`d like to see "It`s been a crappy year, mainly cause your were part of it"
Having a bit of a lazy day, sitting in my underwear looking for jobs online ... My boss doesn`t look amused
Have you ever wondered if God looks down at you in a humorous moment, chuckles to himself, and says "yeah I made that!"
"If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun" ~ My son apparently
The only thing I`ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
The lady next to me in the elevator told me to press One. That was the last thing I remembered
I ordered a pizza when my wife went into labor. Thad ad said, "buy a pizza, and get free delivery.
The only stock options I have are chicken and beef.
Please God cure my hangover and I promise I will never drink again, also please forgive me in advance for lying about never drinking again.
Birds do it. Bees do it. Heck, even fleas do it. Let`s do it! Let`s live in a homeless man`s beard!
I wan`t you to know that someone cares. not me, but someone.
Not to get technical, but according to chemistry, alcohol is a solution.