Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
I have something on my mind but I am not telling you, Facebook.
I used to be able to stay out much later than this. I find I just can’t these days. My phone battery just doesn’t have the stamina any more.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, I’m coming to your house with a facking baseball bat.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Diet plan: make friends fatter
Whenever I weigh myself, I always subtract 10 pounds. I don`t think boobs, brains, and an ass this fabulous should count against me.
I think I`m gonna glue my thumbs to my nipples and pretend I`m a T-Rex.
Helpful tip #12: Never buy all the tools you need to kidnap, kill and bury someone from just one store.
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth`s equator, most of them would drown.
Life is NOT like a box of chocolates. It`s more like a jar of jalapeños. What you do today, can burn your a$$ tomorrow.
"Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?" -chickens
Neighbors just kicked me out of their shower and called the cops. Some of these pokemon go instructions are confusing. A lot of grey area...
I need to adjust the brightness settings for my future.
Why do grown ups pay to go to gyms to exercise on expensive equipment? Can`t we meet at a park after work and play tag until dark?
My parents never asked me to run away from home, but there were many unexplained one way tickets.