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The closer you are to the toilet, the harder it is to hold it in.
Easy way to kill me: Dangle a spider from my rearview mirror while I`m driving.
Rappers seem to have an unhealthy interest in female dogs, don`t they?
I met this girl in a club last night, I think she’s a body builder. She just so happened to build hers using chips.
If anyone every texts me “who is this” I always respond “Jake from state farm”
Speed bumps can turn into speed ramps depending on who`s car I`m borrowing.
National no bra day wasn`t as successful as the creators had hoped. due to sagging attendants and lack of support.
When is National Slap a Co-worker Day? ... Please say tomorrow
have you ever noticed `lol` looks like a drowning person?
Lazy Rule #23 :No Shower Is Needed, If your Not Going Anywhere...
My date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
It`s called fall because everything is falling; leaves, temperature, bank account, gpa, motivation...
I have always wanted to start a brand of Christian themed lollipops and call them Catho-licks.
So apparently, all you can eat buffets do not include the waitresses...
Being human is expensive and exhausting.