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My girlfriend is half my size but takes up three quarters of the bed. If my math is correct, she’s a b!tch
The best neighbors are the ones you never see.
this one time I was in a bush, and this squirrel was like hey, and I was like hey you can`t talk to me your a squirrel and he was like yea I know lmao
I must say I enjoy it more when a girl asks me out. To me, there`s nothing more attractive than that high level of confidence, initiative, and poor judgment.
Life Tip: Tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry, they will clean it for free!
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re two ahead of most people.
You know you are getting old when people keep telling you how young you look.
FYI: You can`t beat rock-paper-scissors with yourself in the mirror.
Whoever invented the 5 day work week and 2 day weekend can suck my a**!
Why do people say "Tuna Fish sandwich?" That`s like saying "Chicken Bird sandwich."
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
I can`t believe that it`s the year 2012, and I still have to bend down to pick stuff up.
The best part of being single is that you always get to be right.
Just because nobody complains doesn`t mean all parachutes are perfect.
Wondering if my heart is healthy enough for sex ... volunteers needed.