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I have a condition that prevents me from going on a diet ... I get hungry.
The ceiling fan DOES NOT make a good lettuce shredder....
Sometimes all you need, is 500 million dollars.
Last night I went out drinking with some high school friends. About 2 hours into it they were like..."dude, shouldn`t you be hanging out with people your own age?"
I glued the TV remote to my wife. I`m expecting her to go missing any second now.
10% of people genuinely care about your problems. The other 90% are glad that you’ve got them.
I don`t take steroids because I never want to look like I`m capable of helping my friends move.
I`d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars. Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
She texted me: "your adorable." I replied: "no, YOU`RE adorable." Now she likes me, but all I did was point out her typo.
I need a fixed income. Mine is broken.
Its better to have loved and lost, then stay with that psyco for one more sec
My haters only have one advantage over me. They can kiss my a$$, I can`t.
FYI: Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long, if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
Calling your girlfriend beautiful because you forgot her name.
Facebook is the reason why my work is not done.