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Do you ever get that feeling that you are being watched? Because if it is bothering you, I can stop.
I`m gonna start a secret porn industry and call it "the Illuminaughty".
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
Don’t waste electricity. How would you like it if I turned you on and walked away?
Your cat doesn`t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
The problem with the girl of my dreams is that she’s never around when I’m awake.
A homeless guy asked me for 50 cents for a sandwich. I said, "First let me see the sandwich."
Lawns: You cut them, then water them so they grow just so you can cut them again. This does not make sense.
Just because I’m smiling, doesn’t mean I don’t want to hit you in the face.
To all my ex girlfriends. Don`t worry. I`m still an asshole.
Thinks that some of you make impulsive, poor thought out decisions. We should totally hang out more!!!
This movie has "adult content"? So, they`re gonna complain about back pains and setting up a 401k?
Rapunzel is my favorite fairy tale about a woman who finds happiness when a man pulls her hair.
I like people the most when I`m by myself.
I wonder what the inventor of the drawing board said when his first design didn’t work out.