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I`m going to stand outside. So, if anyone asks, I`m outstanding.
I shook the vending machine until my chips fell, so yeah, I’m a hunter-gatherer.
I swear I`m allergic to alcohol. Every time I drink I seem to break out in handcuffs.
What kind of paperwork do I need to fill out to get a permit to set my children free in the wild?
I wish I would of asked if she believed in sex after marriage
People who are offended by offensive things offend me.
Give a kid a Pop Tart and they eat for a day. Teach a kid how to make a Pop Tart and you sleep in all summer
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
A good lawyer knows the law ... A great lawyer knows the judge.
Don’t waste electricity. How would you like it if I turned you on and walked away?
Well ... here I am ... cleverly disguised as a responsible adult!
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific
When I think of a selfie, I`m not sure it`s the same thing you`re thinking of
This chick I met last week says she wants a guy who is `funny and spontaneous`, yet when I tap on the kitchen window uninvited late at night dressed as a clown it`s all pantic and screaming.
It’s not pretty being easy.