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Nothing is as scary as logging into Facebook and seeing someone you were secretly with last night has uploaded a new album.
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
All I`m saying is, I`ve never seen my ex and Satan in the same room together.
I believe in love at first episode.
Not to brag, but I don`t even need alcohol to make really bad decisions.
Don`t be sad laundry, nobody`s doing me either.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I`d like to read a prescription bottle that says, "May cause extreme sexiness."
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
My career plans were much more exciting when I was 5
Do you ever wake up and kiss someone next to you and appreciate being alive? I did this and was chased out of the bus
The Braille on the drive-thru ATM actually says, "Move to the passenger seat"
Offering a hobo $5 from across the street is my version of Frogger.
Scent is the sense most tied to memory. "Common" is the sense least tied to people.
The only time I listen to a woman giving directions is when I use my GPS.
Sometimes I wish people would just bring donuts to work instead of drama.