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If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she`s practising for her next selfie
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
If there’s one piece of advice I can give you it’s to marry someone who has a different favorite cereal than you so they wont eat all of yours.
They should make a medal for anyone who uses an entire tube of chapstick without losing it.
iPhone is really a terrible name considering how rarely I use it as a phone. That`s like if my bed was named iSex.
I thought 70 was the new 50, but the cop still gave me a ticket.
"I`m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money." -my brain
Abbreviation is an unnecessarily long word.
I like to go to a strangers house tell them you used to live there and that your grandfather hid money somewhere in the house and just leave.
Do watch out for elderly neighbours in the heat wave. They`re liable to trap you for hours and talk about the weather.
If you needed to wear camouflage in a gingerbread house, would you wear ginger snaps?
Alcohol is never the answer, unless the question is, "why were you barely conscious on the kitchen floor eating dog food?"
Bicyclists, it`s one thing to hog the road, but it`s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
If a dwarf smokes weed does he get high or medium?
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks