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When someone asks if you lost weight, the correct response is always, "no, it just seems like it to you because you got fatter."
In lieu of a gift I liked a couple of charities on FB in your honour
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
It`s hard to trust humans; even the blind prefer to be guided by dogs.
Somebody tell me how "Rub a dub dub, 3 men in a tub" became a nursery rhyme?
This sushi restaurant has the worst service. "Sir, this is an aquarium"
That awkward moment when you’re laughing so hard, you accidentally hit your head on something..
I slept on the sofa last night which is weird because I`m not even married.
I got kicked out of my Community Theater group when the director asked to see me Limp. How was I to know he was talking about walking?
Of course you have a right to your own opinion. Just like I have a right to tell you to shove it up your a$$.
I’d drink a lot less alcohol if a lot less alcohol got me drunk.
If you don’t count any of my failures, I’m quite successful.
I always find the "easy-open tab" right after I finally manage to tear the package open with my teeth.
So your baby doesn`t know any tricks at all?
4 out of 5 voices in my head think the other voice is a douche...