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Teaching your own mother how to use Facebook is like willingly signing your own death warrant
"You know, I wish I`d never gone to the pool that day." ~Marco Polo
If I`ve learned anything from 50 Shades of Grey, its that women still haven`t figured out you can watch porn at home... for free.
Tis the season to throw your diet out the window.
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What`s your point?
Dont let facebook fool you we aint friends
Do you ever get the feeling that you`re being watched? Because if it`s bothering you, I`ll stop.
Sometimes I think I`m a relatively smart person. Other times I put my shoes on before my pants and realize who I really am.
Aren`t they Middle-Age Mutant Ninja Turtles now?
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
I love buying a $1 burger and getting $2 worth of mayo...
Son: am I adopted? Me: not yet, but we`re hopeful.
Of course everyone deserves a 2nd chance, but I gave yours to someone else.
I thinking about how im disgusted by holding a gas pump but yet, I have no problem drinking my beer from a cup that ten other people drank out of, and a backwash covered ping pong ball was just thrown into it after hitting a dirty a$$ garage floor??
Don`t take nude pics. Problem solved.