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Is it just me or when you turn off the computer by holding down the power button, it feels like I’m choking it to death.
Collecting my thoughts… I almost have a whole set! ;)
ASKHOLE: A person who constantly ask for your advice, yet always does the opposite of what you told them
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I`m going to need those back.
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I`m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God, I could be eating a slow learner...
On the bright side, all that coal will keep me warm this winter.
I don’t need a reason to do stupid things, just a venue.
You can always make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
I don`t wanna be told what to do unless I`m naked
You know you drank too much if you have to wait until your court appearance to find out what the hell happened that night
The human body is amazing... You breathe in oxygen and it converts it into sarcasm.
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked , "Where were you between four and six?" I said, "kindergarten".
ooooh boy, Mother`s Day hangovers...always the worst huh?!
You can’t please everyone, so you might as well just concentrate on me.