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What this country needs is more unemployed politicians...
Let`s run away together.. Lol jk, I don`t run anywhere.
I`ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn`t just put the dots in the shape of the actual letters.
That awkward moment when you try to zoom in on Instagram and remember that you’re an idiot.
Just once, I want a username and password prompt to say, “Close Enough.”
It’s not you. It’s me finally realizing that you’re terrible.
Friendships must be built on a solid foundation of alcohol, sarcasm, inappropriateness, and shenanigans.
eHarmony has a 24 month plan. How ugly do you have to be to need 2 years to find someone?
Being ‘clean and sober’ means I’ve showered and I’m headed to the liquor store.
Sometimes I can`t figure out if I`m in pre-school... high school.. oh wait, I`m at work.
You know what the trouble about real life is? There`s no danger music.
Self checkout must have been invented by a guy who had to buy tampons.
People hiking with a giant stick never seem any better at hiking than the rest of us.
I don’t drink to forget about problems. I drink to create new problems that that make the old issues irrelevant.
I’m not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they’d come up sliced.