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Marco Polo must really hate sitting near a swimming pool.
My New Year`s resolution is to spend more time wishing my enemies were dead.
Why are you showing me pictures of your kid if you have a dog?
Caller ID should be more detailed~ "Wants Help Moving" "Going to Whine" "Will Ask to Borrow Money"
“Have you tried just drinking ALOT of vodka?”- me as a therapist
There’s a thin line between “I should do a status update about that” and “I should talk to a therapist about that”
Ladies: Sometimes you just need to throw your arms up in the air and say, "Tie me up"
If your girl sets her Facebook relationship status to “Widowed”, it’s time to pack a suitcase as fast as possible.
Some days your the duck. Some days your the goose.
I hope that man who was walking in memphis found out the way he really felt
If tomatoes are a fruit, then ketchup is a smoothie.
Thumbnail pics. Helping ugly people look hot until you click on them since 1995.
A female mantis kills the male after sex. That used to seem cruel, but now that I`m married with kids I think the male mantis gets off easy.
If I could have sex with anyone, living or dead, I would for sure pick living.
I hope my liquor store is having an after Christmas sale!!