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I love work; it fascinates me. I can sit and watch folks do it for hours.
In post apocalyptic movies everyone wears leather ... but there are no cows.
Men, if a woman is upset, hold her and tell her how beautiful she is. If she starts to growl, retreat to a safe distance and throw chocolate at her.
I kinda dig you, want to hang out and stuff until we hate each other?
Women might be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake a whole relationship.
One day id like to have a brand new Iphone like the lady in front of me with the food stamps.
Offering a hobo $5 from across the street is my version of Frogger.
The most frustrating thing about watching Nascar is that they never signal
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked , "Where were you between four and six?" I said, "kindergarten".
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at a floor and think, "I`d so tap that."
What did I get for Christmas? Fat...
I`m broker than the Tooth Fairy in a house full of Meth addicts.
I like working from home. It`s much more comfortable than sleeping in my cubicle.
I just realized we cook bacon and bake cookies, get it together English.
My ice bucket challenge: 1. Buy bucket 2. Add ice 3. Add 12 beers 4. Sign into FB and drink