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*Me washing my car* Person: Hey what’s up? Washing your car? Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
That microwavable meal was delicious and filling! – no one ever
The most terrifying thing a woman can say to me is "notice anything different?"
If you workout and don`t post a status about it on Facebook, do you still lose weight?
Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and lottery tickets, are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
If there`s one thing I`ve learned, it`s that I should have learned some other stuff.
What can I do today that is only going to happen once in a blue moon?
A poem about me: I hate mornings. I wish I was drunk. The End.
Dear Santa: I have been good for the past week or so. Lets just focus on that.
It`s so cold out I`ve turned 50 Shades Of Blue!
I sure do feel a lot more attractive at Walmart than I do at the gym.
Just saw someone eat a kit kat bar without breaking off each individual piece and now I can`t stop twitching.
My cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it`s giving me serious ideas, folks
Facebook posts with 12 hashtags, who the f*ck are you trying to reach?
The one thing you can always count on is your fingers.