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Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior. Me: Can I have another? I`d like to bring a guest.
Why do people with really bad breath always want to tell you secrets?
Lord, if I can`t be skinny, make my friends look fat.
This day needs more tomfoolery!
If I was supposed to share them, they wouldn`t be called nachos.
The only human interaction I want for the rest of the day is the exchange of money between me and the liquor store cashier
What if Deja Vu meant you lost a life and you are starting back off at your last checkpoint.
How long have I been working here? ... Ever since they threatened to fire me.
It’s only a matter of time until “Security Cameras of Wal-Mart” is a reality TV show.
My version of flirting is looking at someone attractive multiple times while hoping they are more brave than I am.
The only F word out a woman`s mouth that scares me is "fine."
Facebook, the lost and found for people. . .
Always keep a bottle of wine in the fridge for special occasions. You know…like Thursday.
Some tattoo artists need to just say, "no, I`m not doing this sh!t."
“Is it food time yet?” = The summarization of most of my thoughts.