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"I`m on my way." -People who haven`t even left the house yet.
Who do you have to sleep with around here to sleep with someone around here?!
I`m introducing a new calendar system: B.C. = Before Children. A.D. = After Divorce.
I`m not the type of person you should put on speaker phone
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never aging is wearing the same clothes every day.
Screw getting an alarm system. I`ve seen Home Alone, I know what to do.
Sarcasm is just one of the many services I offer to people who ask stupid questions.
This girl says she wants me to butter her muffin ... I don’t even know what that means, but now I’m hungry.
They said I couldn`t drink or operate machinery on my medication. But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss`s car…
You know when I was younger I was under the impression that quick sand was going to be a serious issue in life...
My browser asks "are you sure?" when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
Went shopping alone and the cashier asked, "How are you guys doing?" Now I`m 90% sure he can see ghosts and one is following me around.
OK look, if I meet you for a date and you don`t look anything like your pic, then you`re buying drinks for me until you do.
Kids today will never know the frustration of having to rewind their dads porn tapes to the exact same spot...
Attention...my facebook page has been hacked. But everyone seems to like the new guy better, me too actually...so f**k it!