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It’s embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasn’t sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
I`m sorry I hurt your feelings. When I called you stupid, I really thought you already knew..
Yes we`re friends on facebook but that`s where it ends, stop trying to talk to me in real life... mom
It isn`t a successful BBQ until an intoxicated idiot runs face first into a sliding glass door. I`m fine by the way.
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
If you`re not procrastinating just a little, you`re not doing Saturday right.
It`s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen - sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
Wind chimes? I can`t see myself saying, its too quiet, you know what`d be nice? Noise.
Maybe my mom was right all those years ago. Maybe I won`t be happy until someone loses an eye. Maybe that`s what`s been missing.
Behind every good selfie is approximately 47 nearly identical pictures that didn’t make the cut.
hilarious
Weekends will from now on begin on Wednesday because that is when it should truly begin!
I don`t own a thesaurus, is `cock meat` a synonym for `fried chicken`?
When 12 year old girls call each other honey and sweet heart...