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How the hell do you call Batman during the day?
"They Dared Me To" should be a legitimate excuse in a Court of Law.
I wasn`t planning on going for a run today, but those cops came out of nowhere.
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
Is it just me or doesn`t anyone disappear in the Bermuda triangle anymore?
Don`t forget to get offended today by some retarded sh!t that has absolutely no bearing on your life whatsoever.
If I had to choose between Star Wars and Star Trek, I`d probably choose beer.
Respect your elders. They made it through school without Google and Wikipedia.
I wish I had the confidence of a male flight attendant
The three most terrifying words a woman can utter to a man are "notice anything different?"
Of all the things life has given to me... I would like to return 20 lbs.
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
After Monday and Tuesday... even the week says WTF!
I’m not saying I need to manscape, but when I get an erection it looks like Pinocchio has joined the Taliban.
"I need to talk to you” is the one sentence that has the power to make you remember every bad thing you’ve ever done in your life.