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My wife said she expects the house to be clean by the time she walks in the door so I changed all of the locks.
What idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
Everybody says waking up at 5 in the morning to exercise makes you feel great but I think lying in bed for another 2 hours feels better.
Aren`t you too fat to be this rude?
You know you`re addicted to your iphone when you start using your fingers to zoom into things on your laptop computer. Or a printed photo. Or a book. Or your watch.
Why fall in love when you can fall asleep?
that awkward moment when your pulling the covers up and hit yourself in the damn face !!!
There are people in life you could NEVER get tired of hitting with a shovel!!!
I regret buying that straight jacket now. I thought it would look good on me but I just couldn`t pull it off...
Why is the guy who serves you at the restaurant called a waiter, when it is you that is waiting?
I`ve accidentally swallowed a load of scrabble pieces.........My next poop could spell trouble.
Do you have neighbors?.. Do you have extension cords?..... Are you paying too much for electricity?
Let’s have a moment of silence for all these guys that tried to walk across power lines but fell because someone tied their shoes together.
Trouble is just fun you got caught having.
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than "he sees how creepy u are, that`s why he doesn`t want to shake your hand".