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I wish "friends with benefits" meant your friends paid all of your bills.
Holiday Shopping Tip #112:Next time you see someone with their arms full of bags looking around a parking lot while pointing and clicking their horn button, help them out and start pushing your horn button too!
Today would be a great day to leave a note on a random car that says "I know what you did".
My new workout video is 20 minutes of me vacuuming over the same piece of string instead of picking it up.
Well, THAT Jehovah`s Witness isn`t going to forget anytime soon what they witnessed when I answered the door.
Whoever said technology will replace paper has obviously never tried to wipe their butt with an I-pad
If your dog loves hanging his head out the window of the car as you are driving, but growls when you blow in his face, you may need a breath mint.
This cashier looked at my 12 bottles of weed spray so weirdly, I suspect she`s never broken a lawnmower before.
Mom: Clean your room. We`re having guests over for dinner. Me: I didn`t realize that dinner will be held in my room.
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and I haven`t pooped it out yet ... Really scared now!
Some days I feel about as useful as the pants in Donald Duck`s closet.
People are like dogs: There`s always someone who loves you for you and there`s someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
Another successful year no random father`s day cards in the mail!
The last time I was someone`s type, I was donating blood.
I spent the first 20 minutes of 2014 looking for the remote.