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Wouldn’t it be great to hear a priest say “been there, done that” in reply to your confessed sins?
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life`s face to find she has deflated in the night.
How many "zero likes" do you have to get on Facebook before you realize nobody gives a crap about you
facebook cuz am too old to have imaginery friends
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
Coworker: What did you do this weekend? Me: Dug holes in the woods. And that is how you get people to shut up.
I am starting to think I will never be old enough to know better.
Okay, I can`t take it anymore. What in the hell holds the blocks up in Mario Brothers?
Blue&Black or White&Gold? Who cares what color the dress is, so long as its balled up on the floor of my bedroom.
Looking back, it was a good thing I was too wasted to fire up the chainsaw.
Tip of the day: When the cop asks you if you had anything to drink in the last 24 hours, do NOT ask them for the time... trust me
Jogging backwards because I`m trying to gain a little weight
If you can´t convince them, confuse them.
I went to the store to buy some comdoms and the cashier asked me If I needed a bag ? "I replied No she`s not that ugly"
FUN FACT: If you take all of the marshmellows out of a box of Lucky Chrams, you`ll have a bag of Purina Cat Chow