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Life is what happens when your cell phone is charging.
The most common crossfit injury is a black eye from talking about it too much.
Why isn`t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
Maybe the reason Uncle Phil hated Will was because the first thing Will gave him was a $3700 cab ride bill from Philly to Bel-Air.
I`d feel totally comfortable dating a zombie because I`d know she loved me for my brains and not just my body.
FACT: Every zoo is a petting zoo, if you’re brave enough.
Not sure what to do with all the daylight we are saving.
I’m hopelessly addicted to placebos ..I’d give them up, but it’d make no difference.
I try to live each day like it`s my last, which is why I rarely have clean socks. Who wants to wash socks on the last day of their life?
Sometimes I can’t remember what parking lot I left my car in at the mall so I get it Malaysia Airlines…I totally get it.
I was pretty disappointed when my boss said we can`t do throw-back Thursday, or bring tequila shots to work
You can always tell a lot about a woman the way she pours gasoline around your car.
I’ve taken off my pants in most malls that I’ve been to.
I think the saying "every man for himself" was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
`Google`` must be a woman, because it knows everything.