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Honestly, I have no idea what the f*ck I`ll do with 5 hours of energy.
My minivan is always rocking, but it`s usually because I`m trying to smack one of the kids in the backseat while I drive.
If I ran the country, things would be a lot better. Well…for me anyway.
Of course you look good; I don`t have ugly friends.
So she asked me "Do these pants make my butt look big?" And I said, "Not at all dear .. its the fat that does that." So now I´m single again.
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
Some people should be ticketed for wearing spandex
The first time I got a universal remote control, I thought to myself "This changes everything."
I must have a great butt because every time I finish talking with someone and start to walk away, I hear them whisper "What an a$$."
Getting drunk and listening to loud music solves 87% of all life`s problems
Winter is filled with men trying to figure out the least feminine way to apply chapstick.
Remember when waking up early on Saturday mornings involved cartoons and not untagging photos on Facebook?
Don`t be sad, laundry. Nobody is doing me either.
Look up procrastinator on Wikipedia. There’s a picture of me. Well there isn’t yet, but there will be. Probably by tomorrow. Maybe Tuesday.
You`re only young once but you can be immature forever!