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When they say: "Wow, you`re really photogenic." What they mean: "Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are."
I am not acting childish and you`re just a big doody-head.
There`s no time like the present to make a positive change in your life ... or to take a nice nap
The future is much like the present, only longer.
I hate that they put "use by" dates on condoms... like I`m not under enough pressure trying to get laid already.
My wife hasnt stopped looking through the window since it started raining. If it gets worse, I might have to let her back in...
If your wife has 2 phones, save both numbers under one name : “Wife” Never save them as "Wife1" and “Wife2" ~ a husband from the hospital
It`s such a cold winter this year that the squirrels are collecting more nuts than usual. So far 3 of my neighbors have disappeared...
What makes fancy green beans fancy?
Trying to get in shape for all those people I`m not having sex with.
I will probably die as a result of being sarcastic to the wrong person at the wrong time.
Internet Dating......The Odds are good but the Goods are odd
I see dead people. Well technically they`re stupid people, but give me a few minutes
The difference between pizza and your opinion is that I asked for pizza…
Afraid my muffin top is desiring to become a pound cake.