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When I was little we didn`t have emojis. We had to put smiley face stickers on handwritten letters like a bunch of savages.
I just gave my ex a big hug which can only mean one thing. That`s right I have the flu and I love sharing.
I recently took up meditation. It beats sitting around doing nothing.
She might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty`s only a light switch away.
I forget, on which side of my dinner plate am I supposed to set my phone?
Career goal: Being successful enough to add bacon to my burger without asking how much more it costs.
Sex, drugs, and candy crush all have one thing in common. It’s only an addiction if you start paying for it.
Guy test! find the nearest guy by you and repeat to him the following slowly: Door knob, Titanic, Gluestick, Kiwi, Opra Winfey, Shovel, Boobs, Remote, Battery, Furby, Glowstick, Beer, & Xbox. NOW ask him what he remembers before "Boobs"
I just found out it takes 5 sheep to make 1 wool sweater. I didn`t even know they knew how to knit.
My daughter exclaims "Cheers!" before she takes a drink of juice. So no, actually, I am NOT looking forward to parent - teacher conferences.
Firemen, Astronauts, and Doctors are the only people who actually followed through on what they wanted to be when they grew up.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
I’m back on my feet again!! Wait, false alarm the remote is right here.
All of my plans for the future start out with “when I get rich”
There is no such thing as something looking "Too good to eat"