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Strange new trend at the office. People putting names on food in the company fridge. Today I had a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
If Facebook was school I swear we would all have perfect attendance.
Most advanced telescopes use mirrors so we really have no way to know how many vampires are in space
That moment you realize that the person who proofread Hitler`s speeches was indeed a Grammar Nazi.
I`m allergic to gluten free diets.
Why do they call a grapefruit a grapefruit? I mean there is already a fruit called a grape!!
Coworker drank the last of the coffee and now he`s going to the clinic for a `work related` injury.
Likes doing tokyo drifts with the shopping carts when I round the corner of each isle at Walmart.
Jake from State Farm works some very crappy hours.
And today I learned to never ask a woman how she dye`s her roots black.
SAFETY TIP: Lock your doors and windows before bed. By the way, I love what you`ve done with the place.
My decision making skills closely resemble that of a squirrel crossing the street.
When a male octopus finds a mate, he rips off his happy place and throws it at the female octopus so she can inseminate herself. Then the male grows a new happy place. If that isn`t the most epic way to tell someone to go $*&# themselves, I don`t know what is!
Texting while sitting at a stop light: Helping save lives every day by preventing T-bone collisions with drivers who run red lights. Because of that extra minute it takes for you to realize that the light has turned green, the driver who has no regard for the safety of others entering the intersection legally, can now safely clear the intersection without causing a collision. For this, we thank you.
Ladies: If he’s right handed, and you find the mouse to the left of the computer monitor, there is only one explanation. Sorry Guys.