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It`s real cute how pedestrians confuse "right of way" with immortality.
In alcohol`s defense, I`ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
Nothing f*cks up your Friday like realizing that it’s only Thursday.
I have an irrational fear of speedbumps… but, I’m slowly getting over it.
Is it weird to get naked during a massage? At what point can I ask the masseuse to put his pants back on?
From now on, all of my posts will be written in Morgan Freeman`s voice. Please re-read this one to make sure it`s working.
I`m certain that the reason for Wasps, Hornets, and Yellowjackets was to remind grown men that they can still scream like a little girl.
OMG, you guys, there`s a button on this stove that says "Stop Time". Should I press it??
When I order pizza online, in the "Special Instructions for the Driver" box, I put "Tell me I`m a pretty princess".
If we’re not supposed to eat late, then why is there a light in the fridge?
The corner of my bathtub is also referred to as "The Shampoo Bottle Graveyard"
My number was 0...
A police officer just knocked on my door to tell me my dogs were chasing kids down the road on bikes.. Umm.. My dogs don`t even own bikes?
Finding out your ex got fat is like finding 20 bucks in your pocket. Not life changing but definitely puts a smile on your face.
I usually spend my Mondays texting apologies but I`ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.