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If a dentist makes money off people with unhealthy teeth, why should I trust a toothbrush that 4 out of 5 dentists recommend?
My neighbor came rudely banging at my door at 2:30 am, luckily for him I was up practicing on my new drums
If you can say "I made six figures last year," you either have a well paying job or you`re the worst employee at a toy factory
Actually, I prefer to smile on the `inside`, then no one knows what you`re up to....
Never call a woman crazy because she will say, "I`m not crazy!" and then go and do something crazy. Probably with matches.
Plot twist: name your pets after passwords.
At this stage of my life, "Good in Bed" means not snoring or stealing the covers.
I’ve finally decided to do something about my weight ... Lie.
It`s pretty neat how owning a pool gives me an excuse to own every chemical needed to make a body completely disappear.
Kids today will never appreciate how difficult it used to be finding pictures of naked people.
Two of the greatest mysteries of the universe: 1) Why are we here? 2) How come Chinese restaurants don`t serve breakfast?
Serving sarcasm with a smile since 1984.
I`m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
You want me to smile? How can I smile when 28% of Americans aren`t getting enough fiber?
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out