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Most of being an adult is marveling at the date and saying how fast the year is going by.
I`m in therapy to learn how to deal with people who should be in therapy
Based on how many times I`ve dropped my phone, I`m gonna hold off on the whole baby thing.
Sober me makes plans and drunk me cancels them. Its a good system.
That moment when you’re talking to yourself and you smile like an idiot, because you’re just so hilarious.
I wonder if the clouds ever look down on us and say "Hey look! ...that one`s shaped like an idiot!"?
When I die I want my body donated to science, but more specifically a scientist who is working on bringing dead guys back to life…
None of my friends laugh at any of my jokes because cats can only meow.
Ladies, don`t say that men never listen... We can tell you every word of what was said during an NFL pregame or in-game broadcast.
If you ever need nothing I am here for you.
Don`t waste your time being difficult. Put forth a little more effort and be impossible.
The only thing I ever win playing McDonald’s Monopoly is 10 pounds.
Sometime you have to hand it to short people ... because they can`t reach.
I finally saw Kung Fu Panda. I`m certainly not an expert, but I thought the nunchuck scene looked kind of fake.
A homeless man just asked me if I was having a bad hair day, so I took my dollar back.