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Welcome to journalism, where everything is made up, and the sources don`t matter.
I consider my body less of a temple and more of a ruin.
Drinking coffee in the afternoon is like eating the mushroom that makes you big in Super Mario.
The last time I got drunk I married Satan..I`m not doing either one again
Just used the holiday card with your kid`s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
Have you ever stopped to think, and forgot to start again?
Bad decisions and good stories or good decisions and no stories?
I know it`s 3 meals a day,,,,,, But how many at night?
Answering my phone and saying... FBI fraud division. Has really cut down on the telemarketers.
A guy at work calls me "Partner" and another guy calls me "Chief". Apparently we`re playing Cowboys and Indians and I`m a double agent.
I`m so great, I`m jealous of myself.
I was wondering why my doctor gave me LSD for my constipation, then I saw a dragon and crapped myself.
Before coffee: Hates everybody. After coffee: Feels good about hating everybody.
My favorite exercise is somewhere between a lunge and a crunch. It`s called lunch.
AWESOME!