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Make somebody happy today... mind your own business!!!
Calling credit cards "a convenient alternative to cash" is like calling crystal meth a "diet substitute".
Welcome to journalism, where everything is made up, and the sources don`t matter.
I`m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
Women say they love nerds until you whip out your Pokemon cards.
I saw a lady with twins babies. One had a shirt that said ‘Copy’ the other ‘Paste’. That made my day.
I’M ENGAGED…..to be hungover tomorrow.
A "Lifetime Movie" describes how long it felt when you were watching it.
Why is it that people who can eat really spicy food think the rest of us give a sh!t?
If women are so perfect at multitasking, how come they can`t have a headache and sex at the same time?
Sometime when I`m home alone I like to fill my bathtub with spaghetti and pretend I`m a meatball.!
Not only am I a master of suspense, but I...
I don`t care about Disney lying about the Prince Charmings out there. I`m more annoyed that random woodland creatures won`t clean my house.
What do horses eat? Hay. What do gay horses eat? Haaaayyyy!
The quality of a good neighbour is not seeing them often.