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If you are having anxiety over something you`ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
The secret to dancing is to pretend you have a wedgie and you`re trying to get it unstuck without using your hands.
When I buy a horse, I`ll call it `MY FACE`..imagine all the ladies screaming `come on my face`
Talking to you makes me invent new swear words.
Right now I`m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I`ve forgotten this before.
My face hurts from pretending to like you.
Sex, do it for the kids.
You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.
I`m pretty sure by now “lazy” is just part of my personality description.
Hey people who say I am boring and not interesting; FYI the police just called saying they want to talk to me because I am "a person of interest"
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
I was going to get married, but my wife refuses to sign the divorce papers
If rolling your eyes burned calories, Facebook would be my gym.
I’m just gonna let my pillow decide my hairstyle for tomorrow.
This Facebook is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.