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My boss said we needed to find ways to save time and be more productive, so I just moved the coffee maker to my desk
Well kids, texting wasn`t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You had to click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
Who´s up for Candyland? $20 buy in
WARNING. Content on my Facebook page may offend. But I don`t f*cking care
If you blow out the kid`s Birthday candles at enough parties, people will just stop inviting you to them.
Roses are red, violets are blue. god made me pretty,what happened to you?
I remember when the internet was two tin cans and a string.
"Please don`t do this." - my voice mail greeting
Farting isn`t ladylike? Well, neither is giving a blowjob, but I have never heard you complaining about that!
An apple a day will keep anyone away ... if thrown hard enough.
A high school diploma takes you 12 years to get, 2 minutes to frame and a lifetime to forget where you put it.
If a turtle doesnt have a shell, is it naked or homeless ?
I don`t blame Congress. If I had $600 billion, I`d be irresponsible too.
My Wife asked, "Would you like a romantic interlude?" I said, "Does a bear crap in the woods?". Wish I`d just said `Yes`, she`s been on Google ever since.
I wish all my freckles would just mix into a tan.