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If robbers ever broke into my house and searched for money, I`d just laugh and search with them.
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there`s a home invasion, the intruder will think I`m part of the team.
Every loaf of bread is a tragic story of grains that could`ve become beer, but didn`t
Saw a billboard ad for potato chips that proudly claimed "There`s a lot of pride in every bag!" Hmmm...is "pride" another word for "air"?
Walmart killed the traveling circus.
When a girl tells you she has a nipple piercing, the correct response is always "I don`t believe you."
I walked into the bar sober with $42 & walked out drunk with $42. But you`re right fellas, men are smarter than women.
My GPS is basically just one more woman in my life who I turn on and then ignore.
It`s a good thing Taylor Swift and Adele aren`t dating. Imagine if they broke up.
I don`t know what is longer. A microwave minute or a treadmill minute.
It`s unfortunate that most people will never run out of things to say.
I really just need a vodka cranberry and a slap on the a$$. Hold the cranberry.
I`m so old I remember when water was free and you had to pay for porn.
The one thing you can always count on is your fingers.
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.