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Screw it, I’m starting Friday now.
I live in fear that one day the real "World`s Greatest Dad" is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
Went to the virgin islands, now they are just the islands.
If you`re not procrastinating just a little, you`re not doing Saturday right.
nothing says i love you like, "im going to buy you new duct tape for your taillight, what color you want? "
Every time I hear the phrase, "Fire at will!", I can`t help but wonder, "What did Will do?!"
I saw a lady with twins babies. One had a shirt that said ‘Copy’ the other ‘Paste’. That made my day.
Adding "and sh!t" to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and sh!t.
When people ask for my advice, I advise them not to take my advice. That really screws them up.
When I go through an automated car wash I close my eyes, because it`s easier to pretend I`m in a car that way.
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
Maybe my mom was right all those years ago. Maybe I won`t be happy until someone loses an eye. Maybe that`s what`s been missing.
I`ve had this ant farm for a year now and these lazy bastards still haven`t grown any crops.
I`m not feeling myself today..... Perhaps I should feel someone else.
I had a wet dream about you last night. Yeah, I was drowning you in a lake.