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I saw a guy today at Starbucks. He had no smartphone, tablet or laptop. He just sat there drinking his coffee. Like a psychopath.
I believe in magic because it`s the only way to explain how fitted sheets get folded.
Karma is like a rubber-band: it can only stretch so far before it comes back and smacks you in the face.
Things I didn`t learn in high school... how to pay bills buy a house apply for college but thank goodness I can graph a polynomial function.
20 years from now, some adults are going to say they grew up on the “bad part of town,” meaning there was no 4G in that area.
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine - I’d worship him too.
If anybody tells you you’re putting too much Parmesan on your pasta, stop talking to them. You don’t need that negativity in your life.
I was shocked when I heard the local Radio Shack is closing. Mostly because I had no idea we had one.
This year thousands of men will die from stubbornness....NO WE WON`T!!
Since 4th of July falls on a Wednesday do we drink the weekend before? the weekend after? That Wednesday? The entire week? The entire month? The entire year?
This year’s box-office revenue is down 20 percent from last summer. I’m not sure why that is, but I`ll bet you there’s a documentary on Netflix about it.
The human body is amazing... You breathe in oxygen and it converts it into sarcasm.
My therapist recommended I quit growling at people...
The longer I sit in this drive-thru, the more pennies I’m going to pay with.
If I ever get arrested I am going to ask for a status update instead of a phone call.