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They call cat people crazy but they`re not the ones outside at 5AM putting fresh dog poop into little baggies.
For Halloween I`m going as an invisible person. I will be at all your parties.
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
There should be an "undo" button in an elevator for when you accidentally hit the wrong floor.
Liking something on Facebook instead of commenting is like nodding at someone in an elevator instead of saying hello.
How is it that I always seem to buy the plants without the will to live?
One day, people are gonna write songs about the nap I`m about to take.
Life Tip: Hang out with people who make you forget to look at your phone.
I`ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I`m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don`t ask her.
They say a dog park is a great place to pick up girls. I don`t have a dog so I am walking around with a bag of poop so I won`t look weird.
For a guy who makes as many bad decisions as I do, I feel like I should be having more fun.
Illiterate? Well then sign up today for free online reading classes!
New parent: I can`t believe how awesome my baby is. 10 years later: Wow, they sure do grow up fast...10 years later: Seriously, get the f*ck out of my house!!
It’s not the holiday season unless you push your body to the brink of alcoholism and diabetes.