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Caller ID should be more detailed~ "Wants Help Moving" "Going to Whine" "Will Ask to Borrow Money"
Got kicked out of the hospital. Apparently the “head nurse” is just the one in charge of the other nurses.
When my boss is in town, I set out pictures of kids on my desk. They aren`t my kids but he`d never fire a Mom of seven, right?
can´t seem to find love. but its okay. I know exactly where the beer is.
I can`t believe the music that kids listen to now-a-days! What ever happened to wholesome music like "Push It" and "Me So Horny"?
I ate a shepherd`s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
I think eating is my kind of sport.
I know I should lift weights, but those things are heavy!!
My dog is a typical guy, I talk to him and he’s all wagging his tail, but I know he’s not listening. I get it ladies.
Fingerprints are proof that God doesn`t trust us
My bed and I are in a good relationship, and my alarm clock is so0o jealous...
Maybe I`m not stalking you, maybe I just like your schedule
My therapist goes to her therapist five minutes after I leave.
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
If only losing weight was as easy as losing my cell phone, my keys, my temper, or even my mind ... I`d be SO skinny!