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That mini heart attack you get when the parked car next to you moves and you think you’re moving.
Nipples: Nature`s thermometer.
"It seemed like a good idea at the time"............................... An often used phrase in a lot of my memories.
Turns out Xenophobia is not `A fear of Warrior Princesses`
Wife is out of town until tomorrow night. Anyone wanna come sit on the other end of the sofa and ignore me?
I tried being awesome today, but I was just so tired from being awesome yesterday.
I learn something new every day that I didn`t want to know.
So I was thinking... We should get drunk and make bad decisions.
I will have you know I have FRIENDS! All 10 seasons.
My math is never so quick or exact as when I see an old flame with a child.
Every dog is a badass until you decide to vacuum.
I`m not homophobic, I love my house!
In the interest of improving the workplace, my company has put up signs that say: CAUTION. OPEN DOORS SLOWLY ... My best time so far is 7 min.
The world would be a cleaner place if we gave blind people brooms instead of canes...
50 years ago you had to get really f*cking drunk to drop your phone in a urinal.