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I have something on my mind but I am not telling you, Facebook.
I can totally relate to cranky elderly people. I mean you can only be nice for so long!
honestly I`ve never seen a tombstone that read "died from not forwarding a text to 10 people"
Wine doesn`t have many vitamins. That`s why you have to drink a lot of it.
A garbage disposal is just a device for finishing off all the food no one else in the house will eat.
I’m late for a disappointment.
Deep down, we`re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
"How`s phone reception in the bathroom?" is an important question, but one you just can`t ask on a job interview.
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you, would actually kill me
I can eat a piece of pie without a plate or a fork what else should I write on this dating site profile?
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me 8 times,......Your probably a woman.
Where is the button to restart summer?
Curling irons have a warning tag that says “For External Use Only.” Which of you sick mofos made that necessary?
The early bird needs a punch in the throat.