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I carved my name in a fruitcake in 1982. If anyone gets it this year, post a pic!
The invention of the shovel must have been ground-breaking.
Match dot com, but for socks.
I`m not a Dr. or a Nutritionist, but I`m pretty sure the worst thing you can put into any high fat/ high calorie dish is your fork.
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I`m describing him.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.
I`m not an alcoholic I just have a lot of things to celebrate.
Dear Equifax hackers, Please delete my student loan balance, my medical bills and change my credit score to 850. Thanks.
I would like to congratulate my ex`s new boyfriend on giving up blow jobs.
I told my family that I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle…So, they got up, unplugged my computer, and threw out my wine.
Working in retail has taught me that the customer is always right. At least while they`re in earshot...
My advise to all the young people out there, "Do not grow up; it`s a trap!!"
HR wants me to give myself a self evaluation. This will be the first and last time they make this mistake.
Not to brag, but, I`ve already consumed 174% of my daily fat requirement.
Not sure if I logged into Facebook or the Cartoon Network.