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Jimmy is short for James? This is where I think English is stupid. They have the same number of letters. Do they even know what short means?
My roommate is on a date and said he`s convinced she`s coming home with him tonight. I`ve covered his room in Justin Bieber posters. Now we wait.
The early bird gets the worm but the second mouse gets the cheese.
It`s cute how my wife thinks I can read her mind when I can`t even dress the kids properly.
That moment when you’re talking to yourself and you smile like an idiot, because you’re just so hilarious.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
When I was a kid, I really thought piranhas were going to be pretty much a daily concern.
I went for a 6 mile run tonight. The police are getting in much better shape these days.
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I`m living in their attic...
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Boobs are like model trains. They were originally for children but grown men always want to play with them.
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
Dear iPhone, Please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
Orgasms are alot like pizza. As long as I have pizza I don`t really care if you don`t have any pizza.
at my age, the best part of waking up is the fact that I did wake up