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My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet... Oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.
The worlds gonna end in 5 days & I don`t know what I`m gonna wear.
Life lesson: you never have to feel ashamed of anything you buy as long as you buy a birthday card at the same time
Today is Friday the 13th. Try not to be a teenage girl in her underwear at night at a deserted summer camp today.
I always honk when I drive by homeless guys sleeping, just in case they overslept for a meeting
What if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs?
Behind every beautiful woman, is a beautiful behind.
I just found out the neighborhood is having a meeting about the creepy guy. ..Its weird that they forgot to invite me ..
If you scream in a library, people just look at you funny. If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
Rough day! I have now completed the top 6 things off my to-do list ... Time to go get another six pack I guess.
There are a lot of side effects to smoking weed. Like never shutting up about the fact that you smoke weed.
So much to do and so few alibis.
Don`t feel bad, alot of people don`t have talent either
90% of being a dad is yelling about doors being left open while the air conditioning is running.
Does this couch I`m laying on make me look unmotivated?