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If you see me drinking coffee from a to-go cup in public after 3 pm, that coffee is booze in disguise.
Just moisturized my hands and now I can`t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
Besides tweeting during this job interview, what would you say is your biggest weakness?
What kind of jerk makes an anti-anxiety pill difficult to break in half?
That moment when you run into a spider web and suddenly become a karate master.
One thing I think the world can agree upon… Any day when you can stay in pajamas the whole time is a good day.
Did you know that running for just 10 minutes a day raises your risk of posting inspirational quotes by 63%?
I feel like Frosted Flakes gives kids an unreasonable expectation of how friendly tigers are when you try to feed them a bowl of cereal.
Okay, If we get caught here’s the story…
eHarmony has a 24 month plan. How ugly do you have to be to need 2 years to find someone?
I laugh in the face of normal.
Asking me if I’m hungry, is like asking me if I like money.
Whoever said time heals all wounds never had their leg bitten off by a shark.
Crazy is like diarrhea. You can only hold it in for so long.
I`m making a list of regrets. Just to be sure I`m accurate, how do you spell your name again?