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With a great a$$ comes great responsibility!
I fell asleep on the couch last night & woke up thinking I was married.
I often wondered what it`d be like to be married to an idiot. I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you`ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
You would never know I had a college degree if you saw how many times I tried to push when it says pull.
I feel like dinner parties are secretly competitions about who watches the most news and documentaries
"is Pepsi ok?" - my coke dealer, tryin to be funny
If you didn`t want to be hit with a shovel then you never should have started telling me about your problems.
I`m tired of things costing money
Bacon...need I say more
So long pants! See you Monday!
I like to stand 20 ft in front of the Walmart greeter and greet people before he gets a chance.
Helpful Tip: Use a tortilla as a lap napkin so you can still eat all the food you spill
I once dated a woman who thought windmills were solar powered. I`m so glad I don`t drink anymore.
COLLEGE STUDENTS: if you`re looking for a job, your career center lists thousands of openings you don`t have enough experience for.