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Why are people sad when potatoes can be cooked in like 200 ways?
Todays Relationships: You can touch each other but not each others phones.
As soon as the Zombie Apocalypse hits I`m grabbing a sledgehammer and heading down to the local cemetery for the greatest game of Whack-A-Mole ever.
If you`re a vegan an atheist and a liberal, how do you choose which way to annoy people at Thanksgiving first?
All things being considered......half of your friends are below average.
You gotta push yourself. Do 15 push-ups instead of 10. Run 3 miles instead of 2. Eat an entire cake instead of just one piece. Burn your ex`s house down. I believe in you!
whenever i`m bored I just expect at any moment for the Koolaid man to break through my wall and take me on a deliciously refreshing adventure!
The last 10 seconds of every voicemail my grandmother leaves me is her trying to hang up the phone.
sometimes... late at night... i rearrange traffic signs. people need to be challenged.
I am at my most hostage negotiator when I see my 3 year old with a permanent marker without a lid.
You know it`s time to get a girlfriend when you masturbate in different positions
I just watched Back to the Future Part II and not once did I see a person walking around staring at their smartphone.
Going to Target. See you in about two hundred bucks...
Unless you are selling Thin Mints, don’t ever knock on my door.
I`m old enough to remember when having a long cord on the home phone was privacy.