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I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
It`s getting warm out. I can finally get back to smacking people and blaming it on mosquitos!
I can’t hang out tonight because I’m done with people for the day.
Just checked my Farmville for the first time in 2 years... It`s now a Walmart.
Why does the alphabet need to be in order anyway
I kind of feel like getting some work done today, so I’m just going to sit here until that feeling passes.
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
I wonder if the psycho hitchhiker ever gets picked up by the psycho driver. Now there`s a movie I`d pay to see.
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
Sometimes people try to expose what`s wrong with you, because they can`t handle what`s right about you.
Helpful tip #12: Never buy all the tools you need to kidnap, kill and bury someone from just one store.
Oh, you fell in love?! I fell in my bathtub.
I Got so Drunk Last Night ,.I Walked Across the Dance Floor to Get Another Drink, and I Won the DANCE COMPETITION...!!
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
No one answers their phones anymore... If I ever get arrested, I don`t want a damn phone call, I want a facebook posting.