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It’s silly how we spend money on clothes when naked is free.
The only time I use the word “selfie” is when I am describing my sex life.
None of my friends laugh at any of my jokes because cats can only meow.
Those who stir the sh!t pot should have to lick the spoon.
Just changed my wireless network name in my apartment to "I can hear you having sex through the ceiling and it sounds mediocre."
If you don`t like me now, you won`t like me later because I just get worse.
I may or may not have just "Whipped my Hair Back and Forth".......
Why do we only crave what`s bad for us? Alcohol, deep fried food, sex with strangers. You never hear anyone say "I`d kill for some salad"
My wife said we should try some role reversal in bed last night… So I said I had a headache.
If I had a dollar for every time someone told me I was ugly, I`d be broke as hell because I`m a sexy beast!!
“Be yourself” is the worst advice you can give to some people.
*pulls shirt back down* I guess I don`t understand what a flash mob actually is.
Lazy Rule: If you spill water, It will eventually dry.
Tarantulas are like cigarettes. They are pretty much harmless, until you put them in your mouth and light them on fire.
I get my: Cereal from a tiger, Insurance from a gecko, Toilet paper from a bear, Financial advice from a gorilla. It`s people I don`t trust.