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Some days are just not meant to be productive.
Drunk is when you feel sophisticated but can’t pronounce it.
Just came to the realization that with their ridiculous fees, I`m tipping my ATM more than my bartender.
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101. Today`s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you`re here now, you failed.
Pretty sure autocorrect and Siri talk shit about me behind my back.
I`m at an age where I no longer want to marry a doctor for his money, but rather for the prescription medications he can provide.
I`m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone "I`m ok, I`m ok"
Every time I stop making bad decisions, I get more and more boring.
I used to date a magazine editor. But, I broke up with her because she just had too many issues. No YOU shut up!
Lust is not real love and Tombstone is not real pizza, but both are fine when you`re drunk.
I`m a firm believer that if something takes 10 minutes to cook on 200 degrees then it should only take 5 minutes to cook on 400 degrees
This debate episode has to be the craziest Celebrity Apprentice I`ve ever seen!
I say the things better left unsaid.
My goal today is to turn actions into thoughts.
Words of Wisdom: Don`t cover your mouth when you sneeze. You`ll get snot and stuff all over your hands