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I hate those idiots with those bright halogen lights that are blinding, at least they can see my one finger salute.
The patience I have for my kids is directly proportional to the amount of people watching me.
what if the princess wants to be with bowser, but mario keeps kidnapping her
At least clean up the bathroom before taking your profile picture.
Since smart watches can now read your pulse, there should be a feature that erases your browser history if your heart stops beating...
Marriage counselling: Because sometimes your wife needs to hear from a professional that she`s being a bitch.
My Viagra addiction was the hardest time of my life.
I hate it when I put a status and you don`t like it,example this one.
Did anyone else ever wonder why the Easter Bunny gave away chocolate eggs? Last I checked, bunnies don’t lay eggs. What kind of sick new species is this?
What`s the nutritional value of an entire tube of cherry Chapstick? Asking for my two year old.
I can`t go to sleep if any of my apps need to be updated, but will drive my car with the check engine light until it explodes
Girl rule. A girl will only compliment another girl that is uglier than they are.
In theory, sex should be grosser than letting someone borrow your toothbrush, but it`s not.
I`m so deep in the friendzone that I`ve met her boyfriends parents
I`m at the point in my life where "friend with benefits" just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.